Understand
by xxruthlessxx
Summary: Couldn't they see? Couldn't they see that his anger was not just his temper flaring or him being hotheaded, but his shield... First story I've posted here! plz be nice! R&R! rating may change thro chapters.
1. Chapter 1

_Understand._

_The rating on the story will change as I go through the chapters...if I go through any chapters. Tell me what you think and I will continue to write it if ya like it!_

_pairings: idk maybe later_

_xxruthlessxx_

__

_Raph's POV_

_They never understand, they never see me for me, all they ever do is judge and just look so...disappointed. Why can't they just see that I'm really truely trying! I haven't gone out as much...I mean I still go out because I need my space, but not nearly as much as I used to._

_They only see my mistakes. Never my achievments._

_Why don't they ever remember the good things that I've done? How many times I've saved them? Risked everything for them, or stayed and cared for them when they were ill, just been there to help out with a project, sparing or video game._

_No. They don't see how hard I try. They only see my mistakes, my failures, my temper. My god damn temper. It ruins everything, they see my temper flare and hide. That just makes it worse though, I can come down...but seeing them afraid of me...it just makes me lose it._

_It isn't fair. Every time one of them makes a mistake its just brushed off, but me? they just hold the mistake over my head, never stopping to think that it could possibly hurt me. They think I'm so rough, hard headed, unbreakable, stupid, and mean._

_Maybe I'll just leave. They would be better off if I wasn't there, right? I only seem to cause them trouble..._

_I can't. I can't leave them...no matter how much they resent me. I am their protector.I am their brother and their gaurd._

_So I will stand and take what they give, because maybe this is just how it was meant to be._

_xxruthlessxx_


	2. Chapter 2

Understand chapter 2

Morning came to early for the red clan turtle. Turning over in his hammock he looked at his clock reading the glowing red numbers.

"4:30?...huh , ya this should be a _great _day" Raph mumbled to himself as he swung his legs over the edge of the hammock.

With his feet on the cold floor Raph looked around his room. The space was gloomy, littered with broken objects he had thrown in anger and his tools for working on his bike. In the corner hung his beaten up punching bag, and beside this was his weights and weapon rack.

Looking around his room Raph got up and started picking up the objects that littered his floor, tossing them into the trash can by his dresser.

These weren't the only objects in his room. This is just what his brothers saw. They saw their hot tempered brother in a room that suited him. The bag to get rid of frustration, the weights for his strength, hammock for a bed and dresser for his winter clothing.

Everything else was bare.

Had they ever even seen his book shelf? He wasn't as stupid as they thought. In fact most of these books were more suited to Don, but he couldn't resist. He really likes books. They gave him an escape. An escape away from the people who didn't care to even know him.

With the room clean and only 20 minutes wasted, Raph stepped out side his door and into the hallway being as quiet as he could not wanting to wake the others. Living in a house of ninjas had great disadvantages.

With a swift turn he headed strait to the kitchen. A nice strong black cup of coffee would help clear his haze.

The light was on. There were soft murmurs coming from the kitchen.

Swiftly and quietly he made his way to the entrance to the kitchen. It was Leo, Don and Mike. They were all up at this aweful hour?

" I don't know what to do anymore" Leo said through bared teeth. Looking at the others sitting at the table with him. " he's just, ugh! why can't he just stop treating me like he does!"

" Leo, I don't think your unjustified...Yes he's been irritable, his temper blinds him and he is to bull headed to admit his fault...but that's just how Raph is." Don was sipping on a cup of coffee, sitting with his back to the unknown ease dropper.

" He does try, you guys" Mikey spoke up, leaning his chair so it was balancing on only two legs.

" ya, then blows it with a nasty remark only minutes later"

" I want peace in this family and he never allows it...not even for a day, its always a fight with him! always arguments that lead to more fights. why can't he just stop! It's like he hates us!"

Hearing their words, Raph slipped back up the stairs and into his room, not hearing the rest of the conversation.

" he's been trying you guys!" Mikey stated again.

"ya what ever...mike listen if he wo-" Leo was cut off by a very upset Mikey.

"no! you listen...he hasn't been going out as much, hell he even played a few games on the XBOX with me" Mikey stated, a small smile graced his lips.

" he's been trying to state why he disagrees but you just keep pushing! You call every single fault and mistake!...Leo he has a temper but that doesn't mean he's always wrong! he doesn't hates us or anything..but he could if we push him hard enough." Mikey said.

" He helped me with the repairs for the battle shell and shell cycle." Don mused. Thinking about how he and Raph had laughed and joked while patching up the vehichles. Only to be ended when...when Don got mad at Raph for messing up on a wire connection.

With a sigh Leo went over the last few days in his head. Thinking about what he and Raph had done over the few days.

_" hey fearless" Raph called " you, uh, wanna spar?er somethin?"_

_"did you have to just barge in? I was meditating" Leo huffed._

_" oh sorry"_

_"what ever, don't worry about it. Sure lets spar." Leo stepped into a stance, missing the small smile from Raph._

_The sparring match was friendly. They're punches, kicks,and flips were playful. Not ment to harm._

_" Raph bring your elbow in more" Leo injected._

_" what eva"_

_The fighting style was becoming more intense. The blows coming faster. Stronger._

_" Raph your getting sloppy! Your foot..It needs to be at this angle" Leo pointed to his foot showing the proper stance for the move._

_"look can we just spar already? Your startin ta piss me off" Raph growled._

_" you need a proper stance if you want to do the mov-"_

_"forget it! I'm outta here" Raph turned heading out of the dojo and to the elevator doors, into the sewers._

He was trying to spend time with Leo and all Leo did was push him away just to prefect such small mistakes. Nothing could change what had happened. It really wasn't _that_big of a deal! he always told...told Raph what he did wrong.

Crap.

" I'm an idiot." Leo sighed, bowing his head in embarrassment.

" I think we all kinda are" Don said.

The brothers looked at each other. They new what had to be done. They had to fix the broken relationship between each of them.

The biggest challenge was going to be getting Raph to open back up.

Back up stairs Raph was standing with his back agianst the door of his room.

They thought he was nothing more then a monster. They hadn't said it..but it was obvious. They actually thought he hated them? He loves them with all of his heart..not that he says it often but...

No. They were just ranting their frustrations, that's all.

_" I want peace in this family and he never allows it...not even for a day, its always a fight with him! always arguments that lead to more fights. why can't he just stop! It's like he hates us!"_

But they wouldn't have said it, if it wasn't true..maybe he really was just a monster.

Sinking to the ground, tucking his knees to his chest, Raph let a single tear fall. This is the prison he built. He built it...now he has to live in it.

tbc..


	3. Chapter 3

Understand 3

He must have fallen back asleep. When the soft sound of someone knocking on his door began, he jumped. He was still on the cold,cement floor, and Memories of earlier came flooding back to him. The pain and sadness followed.

"uh, hey Raph? time for practice ,dude" Mikey said. Expecting the growl and cusses, but was surprised by the reply.

" ya ok be right there."

Raising an eye brow at the soft reply, Mikey made his way back down the stairs, noting that something didn't feel right.

" I'm going to protect ya mike. Even if it kills me." Raph said out loud.

He was going to protect all of them. They deserved so much more then he could possibly give them. But he would try.

Placing his knee pads, belt, arm bands and mask on, he grabbed his sais and made his way to the door. Steeling himself, he got ready for what he was about to do.

As the door swung open, he stepped into hell.

Everyone was waiting for him in the dojo. They were stretching the sleep from their muscles. They each flash him genuine smiles, waving or nodding in his direction.

"morning Raph" Leo said." we're going to have a shorter practice today, so I thought we would just skip strait to sparring."

"uh...okay" Raph said unsure. There was something wrong here. What was with their attitudes? Did he do something?

"ok then Mikey against Don...Raph against me" Leo had crossed the dojo, to his respected corner. Mikey and Don had already begun.

Crossing to his postion, Raph steadied his stance. Leo charged first -_this is new-_

Raph thought as he took to defending himself.

The match was swift, and steady. The spar flowed like water, as they danced through the moves they had learned since childhood.

Lucky shots broke though his guard, so Raph switched to to the offensive. Throwing punches fast and hard. The battle had begun, the fight becoming more heavy as they progressed.

With the match going so hard now, neither Leo nor Raph saw their other brothers watching.

" dude, I thought leo was going to...ya know give him a break" Mikey whispered to Don, who stood beside him, a look of concern sketched across his face.

" ya so did I"

The spar continued, Raph was becoming more rash with his moves, leaving him wide open for Leo to finally take him down with a swift kick to the plastrom.

" sorry Raph, looks like I won" Leo said with a grin despite himself. He knew he shouldn't have gone so hard...but he was still flustered with Raph's actions, and just because he did try didn't make any difference that the faults were still there.

" ya...uh nice shot, there" Raph said, eyes now lowered to the ground, looking intently at the cracks in the floor.

" so we done now or what? Raph questioned feeling as if every ones eyes were on him.

" ya sure, we're done" Leo stated. He watched as Raph bolted out of the dojo heading toward the bathroom, probably for a shower.

" Leo I thou-"

Don was cut off by Leo " ya I know I just...couldn't stop myself. That's just the way we are together, ok!...and-and I really don't think anythings going to change. "

" yes it will, but we have to help! we can't expect him to just fall into perfect order, Leo" Don said in a hushed tone, stepping up to his blue banded brother.

He was right. Nothing would happen if they didn't work to help each other.

" alright! fine...I'm I'm sorry I just..." Leo scrubbed his face with his hands, the start of a head ache coming on.

The brothers continued to talk amongst themselves. While up in the bathroom another conversation took place. One from a tortured mind and soul.

" stupid!stupid!stupid!" Raph yeld at himself in the mirror.

He wanted to kick himself. Why were they being so nice...after all that they had said.

_there toying with you._

Raph didn't know how he was going to change, but he new it would have to be soon. His brothers were acting strange around him. They were beginning to worry him. With the conversation in the kitchen this morning you could guess they were playing with his emotions. Making him believe that they could possibly still care.

_Just leave..they wouldn't miss you_

Walking out of the bathroom, he headed towards Mikey on the couch. Mikey was so absorbed in the game that he was playing he didn't even see Raph coming.

Raph slapped a hand onto Mikey's shoulder " eh, Mike what ya doin?"

Jumping from suddenly being pulled from his own world, Mikey turned to Raph with wide eyes.

Something shined in Mikey's eyes..it was something Raph never wanted to see in them. It was surprise, anger...but what glowed the most...

Fear.

His brother was so scared of him, that a friendly slap to the arm had set him off. Raph never wanted to see that in his younger brother's eyes, especially when he had caused it.

" oh, hey r-Raph was up? wanna play some games? oh! how bout a movie!"

Mikey tried to cover it up, but his eyes had already told Raph everything he needed to know.

_Nothing but a monster_

"Nah..I'm a..I'm going out, tell Leo." Raph said bluntly, turning and quickly heading for the exit before Mikey could say anything.

Once into the sewers, he made it to the closest man hole cover and went up to the surface, heading strait for the fire escape. Once on the roof he breathed. The air was filled with different smells of New York. The smell of garbage mixed with god knows what drifted to his nose.

Not pleasant.

But the roofs brought him something else. Something his books never could. Freedom. He could run. He could run and run till his legs gave in and laybored breaths push past his lips.

With a quick glance around, he dashed off.

The sky was clear of clouds and the moon shined brightly. The air was crisp and his bandanna tails flowed in the gentle wind.

Yet he wasn't calm. Thoughts bombarded his mind. Making him loose his pace, and falter.

_"he hates us!"_

Running faster, Raph tried to escape his own thoughts. The faster he ran, the less he thought, and the less he thought, the more he could forget.

_"-irritable, his temper blinds him and he is to bull headed to admit his fault...but that's just how Raph is"_

The thoughts came anyways, and another foe followed. He was running out of roof tops. He had gone completely across town and hadn't even realized.

Yet he felt no better then when he had started. The memories of what his brothers had said still came, along with the truth that the words held.

His brothers didn't think he could change. They only saw him as hot tempered and bull headed. They say its just the way he is, but what if he could change that? What if he could fix the damage?

_"I'm tired of him"_

_"it's just who Raph is"_

_" I want peace in this family! but he never allows it!"_

_"he hates us!"_

But their words. They showed him how much he had lost them. How much they didn't know about him.

"I'm nothing but a monster."


	4. Chapter 4

Understand 4

By the time Raph had gotten home it was long past midnight. The lair was dark with only the light coming from the the most have retired, for there was no noise from the lab, tv, or dojo.

_Strange. _

Leo would normally be up waiting for Raph's return, a lecture coming out by the time Raph would make it to the bathroom.

_They're scared of you. _

With a sigh, Raph made his way to the bathroom to clean up the few wounds he had received from his night out, and with that done, he went strait to the kitchen for something to eat, since he had missed dinner.

Once in the kitchen Raph made his way to the fridge finding it completely bare of any food that he would eat. The food was anything but healthy. With the left over pizza, old take out and junk food it looked as if that was all they ever lived off of.

With a slight frown on his face, Raph decided a cup of tea would at least put him a bit at ease. He wouldn't normally drink the stuff, but when he did it would always bring him peace of mind.

Filling the kettle with water, Raph placed it onto the stove. He would only drink a few types of tea. Black, chai, or the nectar tea he could never remember the name of.

Knowing the only tea they had in the lair that he liked at the time was Black tea, he pulled out a bag and cup for when the water was good and hot.

Sitting down at the table, as he waited for the water, Raph's mind began to wander to thoughts about his brothers.

They thought him a monster, that was clear. But what if he could take away that monster and replace it with something a lot less threatening?

An idea hit. He knew how to fix everything for his family.

For if he was the one to cause such an imbalance in their lives, he would simply take himself out of the equation. Not completely though. He would still go to practice, and family meals, but other then that he would just not be there. If he wasn't there to cause a fight or an out burst then the family would fall into a calm, peace.

It would be best this way, he knew it. But would it be enough? No, not entirely. He would miss their company, helping them with problems, and simply just being there for them.

_Even if they don't want you?_

There is another option. While he would leave them be in everyday occurrences, he would secretly help them with small problems. A sort of penance for all that they had done for him.

Because if he could find anyway to pay them back for putting up with him, then he would by any means possible.

Steam rose from the kettle so he quickly snatched it off the burner, not wanting it to wake anyone with its whistle.

Pouring the water into his cup, Raph placed the tea bag in and scooped the sugar, while stirring.

His brothers may not know much about him, but he knew everything about them.

He knew that Mikey may be goofy, fun loving and happy, but that he could be deadly serious if the occasion ever occur ed, and could have great courage when he was faced with a challenge. Raph knew Mikey was the light to their small family.

He knew that Don was smart, loved machines, could solve any problem if he could use his brain and logic, and that he was the most sensitive.

Raph also knew that when it really came down to it, without Don they probably wouldn't have made it as far as they had in life. He was always there for them with the answers and gadgets that could help them through anything.

Then there was Leo. He knew Leo thought hecouldn't possibly understand him, but in truth he knew more about Leo then he probably knew about himself.

Leo was leader, big brother, always seemed to have a stick up his ass, and was extremely possessive over his family. He always followed their Master's teachings and never argued with him.

But then there was the other things. Leo may be all of that, but when you really looked you could see the dedication and love he put into everything. He wasn't perfect, no, and Raph knew this. Raph knew that if Leo could be perfect then he would never stop.

Raph knew Leo well.

This is the reason for many of his arguments with Leo. Raph challenged Leo to his fullest. He would push Leo until he would ultimately realise where he had gone wrong and improve. This is how Raph helped him, but now it seemed that with him helping Leo, he had pushed to far and had lost his bond.

_"Its always a fight with him! always arguments that lead to more fights!"_

And friendship.

He knew his brothers well. Why didn't they know him? Was he that hard to figure out?

Raph knew he was guarded, he kept his emotions hidden behind his anger. But in truth, his heart was worn on his sleeves. You could always tell when he was bothered or upset.

This is why his heart was his weakness, for he loved them to much.

Glancing down at his now cold tea, Raph dumped it into the sink with a sigh. Heading up the stairs to his room he glanced around his home, everything was the same as it had always been. Now he would make it better, for his family.

Opening his door, Raph stepped inside, closing it behind him. His room...the place that allowed escape when the rooftops were not an option, where he could read and forget. Where he could sleep, and hope it to be dreamless.

He would do anything for his family. Even if it meant destroying his heart to do so.


	5. Chapter 5

Understand 5

Since it was Sunday there was no practice. The entire day was spent relaxing and doing whatever they wanted to do.

For Raph this meant the first day to his penance.

Stepping out of his room, Raph went towards the kitchen. He was quite hungry and breakfast would soothe his stomach. The kitchen was filled with the laughter of his brothers, and he tensed slightly.

He was going to do this. He was going to show them that he was no monster. It would simply take time.

_Bend or break_

Walking into the kitchen, he was graced with the sight of all of his brothers sitting at the table laughing and joking around while they ate their breakfast.

"good morning" Raph said in a muffled voice.

They turned to him with nervous smiles. They all knew that Raph was never a morning person, being that he would normally stay up far too late into the night.

"good morning Raph" Don said, flashing him a small smile, then turning back to his coffee and news paper.

Leo turned to him with a look that would normally tell Raph he was about to be lectured.

" I didn't see you when you got home last night...where were you?"

There it was. The lecture he didn't receive last night. The one he would now have to deal with and try not to explode at.

_Always arguing_

"I just went for a run, I guess I lost track of time, sorry" Raph bowed his head waiting for the rest of the lecture about why that was stupid,or that he was endangering the family.

"oh, alright then...call next time ok?"

That wasn't expected.

"uh...ya okay." Raph said with a hint of surprise.

Walking over to the Sink, Raph pulled out a bowl. Cereal, nice plain cereal would put his knotted stomach at ease. Grabbing the box of cereal and the milk, he made himself his breakfast.

Sitting down at the table with his brothers, Raph ate in silence, watching his brothers talk with each other.

They talked with such ease. They didn't watch their words, they only said what they wanted. They never spoke to him like this, no. They watched what they said to him, not wanting to say something to cause him to become angry.

They protected themselves from their own brother's out bursts.

Finishing, Raph put his bowl into the sink, said his two cents to his brothers and left without another word.

By late afternoon Raph knew the first thing he wanted to do for his penance.

Leo had been telling Don and Mikey that he was in dyer need of some new candles for his meditation, since the ones he had now were almost completely gone. Raph had bought Leo candles that he was going to give him on his birthday but decided now was a better time.

Once back in his room, Raph made his way to his closet. He had the candles stashed in a box, that had books stacked on top of it since they didn't fit on his shelves.

Smiling, Raph looked at the candles. They were the best candles he could find. They gave off a beautiful glow, smelt of sandalwood that Leo liked so much and they burned slowly so that Leo wouldn't run out again anytime soon.

Now, how was he going to give them to Leo without him knowing?

Rubbing the back of his neck, Raph sat in his hammock, with the candles in his lap. This was going to be tricky.

Raph knew the place he wanted to put them. The dojo on the shelf Leo would normally have his candles, but was now bare of them. But the problem was getting them there without being caught.

Looking up at the sound of a knock, Raph heard the voice of his youngest brother.

"hey, Raph?...we were going to go out into the sewers for a game of ninja tag wanna come?" Mikey asked through Raph's closed bedroom door, knowing better then to open it unless Raph had said he was allowed.

Right then Raph knew exactly how to make his plan come to life. While they were all off, he could slip into the dojo and place the candles without the brothers being any of the wiser.

Leo would think Don or Mikey would have put the candles there for him and that they were showing him a simple gesture of kindness, leaving Raph out of the picture and home free.

"No thanks" Raph called out.

A sigh could be heard on the other side of the door. "okay, dude. Talk to you later then."

With that Raph heard the front entrance open, then close only seconds later.

Gathering the candles from his lap, Raph peeked outside his door. No one.

With a clumsy step out into the hallway and onto the landing, Raph and all the candles made it down to the Dojo.

The next part was simple. Place the new candles where there old burnt out candles sat, dispose of said old candles and be back in his room by the time his brothers came back home.

_Easy._

The dojo was quiet. No sound of clashing metal, no smell of incense, no silent katas, just quiet.

Placing the candles in the correct spot, Raph thought of his other brothers.

What was he going to do for them? They deserved more then he could give, but there had to be something. Something they had asked for or had to do.

Don wanted a new upgrade for his security systems for the lair, but he didn't have the right parts. Mikey wanted the new Batman comic for his collection, but was short on cash. Both wanted things but couldn't have them, or get them.

If they couldn't get it for themselves then Raph would find a way to help them to achieve what they wanted.

He could do this. He could show them how much they truly meant to him and all it would take would be him spending a few hours finding the things he needed, which would be achieved through the night as they slept.

_Not like they would notice you gone._

With the candles in place Raph came out of the dojo. There really wasn't much else he could do with his brothers out, so he would wait till they were home and safe. With that thought, Raph made his way to the living room.

The tv was off, and the area was silent.

Sitting down in front of the tv sounded like a really good idea, at the moment, since everyone was out so he wouldn't be disturbing them, He couldn't hurt anyone and no one wanted the tv. There was no reason not to.

So with the tv remote in hand he flipped through the channels. Nothing was catching his fancy and he began to nod off.

When the body of his younger brother came flying over the couch at him, he wasn't prepared and came crashing to the ground with his sibling.

"woah! sorry dude i didn't see ya there!" Mikey said, quickly getting up.

" jesus Mike! watc-...its fine don't worry bought it." Raph said softly after catching himself from the outburst that wanted to come out.

Raph began to back away from his brother. He didn't want to be close to anyone, knowing he could screw it all up. He had to stay guarded.

" uh, Raph?...you ok dude?" Mikey was looking at Raph as if he had grown two heads. Since when did Raph not freak when Mikey did something stupid?

"...ya-ya m'fine" Raph answered. He didn't need his brothers to worry about him. It would only cause more problems.

"oooookay then. Anyway! you wanna play some games?" Mikey asked, excitement heard in his voice.

Don had already retreated to his lab by this time, while Leo was in his bedroom.

" N-no thanx Mike I'm goin to my room." He hated not spending time with his little brother, but it was really for the best. He couldn't hurt them if he wasn't there.

Raph began to climb the stairs, leaving Mikey to his games.

They at least could be happy now. He would give them their penance without them knowing, the family would have the peace that Leo had wanted. Even if it meant that he wasn't there.

_This is how it was meant to be. _


	6. Chapter 6

Understand 6

This chapter is short but to the point!

The penance was working, and Raph's brothers had no clue.

Sure they gave him a sad look when he would back away from them, but soon enough this would fall into a normal occurrence and they would stop the looks and just move on.

_Peace in this family._

With a sad smile, Raph looked at his two brothers in the living room, then made his way to the garage, he had another idea he wanted to finish before Don emerged from the lab.

The two brothers, being Mikey and Leo, were sitting watching a movie marathon. But their attentions were set on something else though.

" dude, he is seriously freakin me out here!" Mikey said, flailing his arms for emphasis.

" I know...he's been doing this for weeks now...I don't know _why _though" Leo sighed. He knew something wasn't right with Raph. He was being so careful around them.

The only time any of them actually saw Raph was during practice, or the family meals that happened so rarely.

" Don't know why what?" Don questioned, coming out of his lab.

" Why Raphie-boy has been actin so strange around us" Mikey chirped in.

"oh" Don sat down beside his two brothers. He had been thinking the same thing as they were.

Raph was his closest brother out of all of them. They may not be extremely close but they still had a special bond. They both loved machines. They would sit in the garage for hours on end tinkering with the battle shell or new up grades for the shell cycle.

Don new Raph was smart, he could see the way Raph would look at the machines or plans and he would watch as Raph soaked in the information faster then any other person could. He wished Raph would come back to them. He really missed the time they would spend together. As a team.

"Don...has he said anything to you?...anything that could explain his behavior?" Leo said, hope glimmering in his eyes.

"...no-no nothing." Don said " anytime I try to spend time with him-or ask him whats going on he just...leaves."

" you should have seen him when I caught him in the hallway yesterday..." Mikey commented.

"what do you mean mikey?..what did you do" Leo asked.

"well ya see" Mikey rubbed the back of is neck nervously. " I wanted to hang out with Raph..Ya know play a video game or like watch tv or something...so when he didn't stay in a room for like more then a few seconds..I figured I'd just catch him myself, instead of waiting for him."

Mikey looked up to make sure his brothers were still listening. " so when I saw him in the hallway, I caught him by the arm..and ya know ask what was up with him"

"yes, and? Don asked, anxiously.

Mikey ignored the question and continued with what he was saying " and you know what happened?...he gave me this- this _look _like he was trapped, or like one of those caged animals or something...he looked scared."

"but that doesn't make sense!" Leo was becoming more in raged with the new information. Why was Raph doing this?

Yes the silence was nice ,and not arguing was even better, but it felt like there was a huge wall growing between the three brothers and Raph.

Raph was building a wall, that if he wasn't careful he wouldn't be able to tare down.

"what if we all ask him?" Don said. It was an idea they had said before, and now seemed better then any other to bring it up agian.

" No, if what Mikey has said is true, we're more likely to only make it worse." Leo said, slumping farther into the worn out sofa.

" maybe its just one of his funks, ya know the one where he will bounce back and be as moody as ever" Mikey said.

" well I suppose so but if-"

The conversation was cut off when Raph walked through the living room.

"Hey" Raph said, eyes downcast as he walked past them and up to the second floor, where the bedrooms were.

Once Raph was out of sight the three brothers turned to each other.

" Leo, what are we going to do?" Don asked, while Mikey shook his head to show he had the same question.

" I don't know" Leo sighed.

The two youngest wore matching frowns and sad eyes as they thought about their dear brother.

Raph was the one they would go to when nightmares would take hold of their dreams. He was always there to scare away the monsters, or just be there to comfort. He was their protector in battle, and he would always take the blows no matter how close he would come to death because of it.

Raph was the brother that if you asked, would help you in a heart beat. Yes he would grumble about pushy brothers but in the end helped as much as he could.

Raph had a sense that no one else in the family had. His memory, and his uncanny ability to read someone. Raph was able to recall information that the other brothers had long ago for gotten, he was the one that new when something was wrong just because Don would rub his eyes, Mikey's smile wouldn't reach his ears, or when Leo's eyes changed ever so slightly. Raph just knew, and would be there with words of wisdom that would have made Master Splinter proud.

Yet he never asked for a thank you, never asked for favors in return, just did it because he was their brother, and while he did this they hadn't said anything back, knowing that Raph was there just because.

What had caused this change in Raph? What could have caused him to shrink away from them? Was it something they had said to him?...or something they hadn't.

Raising from his spot on the couch Mikey looked between his two older brothers.

"well I know one thing..I want my brother back."


	7. Chapter 7

Understand 7

Raph sat on his favorite roof top. He had been spending a lot of time here ever since he over heard his brothers conversation.

It was his favorite place in all of New York, the building over shadowed all of the city. You could see for miles and just sit seeing the beauty that could only been seen at night.

For in the day, the city was torn. The streets were covered in trash, human and garbage, there was graffiti over every nook and cranny. The city in the light was nothing but a waste land to him.

But in the night...in the night it was his haven. The scars of New York left when the sun went down. With the sun down, the shadows took over, covering the harsh reality.

The lights of the city only emphasized the beauty the night brought. The lights caused the whole city to glow with life.

With a content sigh, Raph looked to the sky. There was another reason as to why he liked this building so much.

This was one of the only buildings of New York that you could see the stars. Most of the other buildings weren't high enough up, and with the smog that consumed the city you could never see the stars from them.

But on this building, you could see the entire sky, and it was mesmerising.

Raph had found this place on one of his many rampages, he had been in a fuss and running from his troubles.

When he had finally stopped on this building, he looked to the skies for the answers, but instead of answers he received peace of mind, from the stars above.

Raph had been coming here more and more, because of his brothers. He couldn't risk being with them, so escaping into the city was his best option.

He wasn't complaining though, no. He was finally working into a routine that was working quite well.

He would go to morning practice, eat breakfast in silence, then retreat to his room for the rest of the day, only coming out to grab lunch and to do a few more duty's for his brothers.

It was perfect...sorta.

There was a slight problem. Whenever he would try to leave his brothers after breakfast one of them would always want to do something with him.

Don wanted to work on the shell cycle, saying he had new upgrades for it, but would only be blown off by Raph saying he was sorry but he was busy.

Leo wanted to go for a few more sparring sessions or even just run through their katas together, but Leo would receive similar answer as to what Don had gotten.

...As for Mikey...He would give Raph the biggest puppy eyes he had ever seen, ask if he would want to hang, play some vid. games, or even just sit and watch tv together. It would take all of Raph's to break free of Mikey's gaze and reply with a simple 'no thanks'.

_Wonder why they're doing this now?_

Raph's brothers didn't want him to leave for some reason, it was like they thought he would leave and not come back, every time he would go to his room or for a run.

_Probably better to leave anyway_

Raph was trying his best for them. He was .

He had gotten all the parts that Don had needed. Placing them randomly around Don's room knowing he would simply think he had missed placed them in the beginning.

Raph had place and extra 20 dollars in an old pizza box from Mikey's room knowing when he would finally clean his room he would discover it and have enough for the comic he wanted so badly.

Raph had done other small things as well. Replaced the old wires in the lighting systems, found a new game controller, new sleeves for the katanas, he even fixed the toaster.

Yet they attached themselves to him as if he was slowly fading away into nothing.

_You are nothing...just a worthless monster.._

Why now? Why had they chosen now to cling to him like a life line?

They should be happy without him!

He isn't causing fights, he wasn't breaking anything, wasn't clobbering Mikey, he wasn't yelling...he just wasn't there.

So this should be good right?

They were happy, there was peace in the family, everything was the way it was supposed to be.

He just wasn't happy.

He missed hanging with them, laughing with them, playing video games, fixing things in the garage, hell he even missed fighting with Leo.

But his happiness didn't mean anything, they're all that mattered.

Sure he wasn't happy...but he would get over it, the only thing was that it was beginning to take its toll on him.

It was funny to Raph. Hadn't any of them asked who was giving them the small gifts? Surely they couldn't be that gullible. Surely they noticed that no one was taking credit.

_Maybe they know and just don't care._

It felt like there was something growing inside of Raph, like there was a seed planted within the subconscious, causing this anguish, and his guilt.

His guilt on knowing he had failed as a brother to them.

They may not know much about him, but he knew them inside and out, so as long as they stay happy then his life has some meaning to it.

Looking up, Raph sees the dawn that tinges the black sky, being a glow beyond the dark of night.

_Time to go home._

_Hey guys! Big Chapter coming soon ( big as in important ) so R&R what do ya think of the chapter and of the story so far XD luv ya!  
BTW: all of you comments/reviews, favs and watches are BEYOND appreciated! _


	8. Chapter 8

Understand 8

Mikey had the most awesome plan ever.

He would simply cause the old Raph to come back. This would be simple for Mikey, for he was the prank master, and if there was one thing that would cause Raph to become angry, it would be a prank.

Giggling like a mad man, Mikey made his way back into the dojo with the supplies that he needed.

If this was going to work, then it had to be _big, _Raph can hold his temper when it comes to the small stuff, and what Mikey wanted was a full on argument, not just the sad looks and suppressed emotions he was getting.

"ehehe...dude, this is gonna be sweet!" Mikey said to himself, tying in place the last balloon.

He had been saving this prank for the perfect moment, but back then he had decide it was to however, he was desperate.

If anything could bring 'good ol' Raph' back, it was a prank, and this was the best one Mikey has ever created.

Mikey missed him so much. Raph andhim were the closest, being that they both could joke with each other, play video games, and just fool around.

He missed the Raph that would help Mikey with a level in his game he was having troubles with, or when he would pop out of no where and know that something was bugging him.

Raph was able to see Mikey, not only as his little goof ball of a brother, but also as a friend...a best friend. They used to hang out all that time, just joking and kidding around, and it was fun.

Sure they thru insults at each other, and sometimes the fighting was a little more rough then it should have been, but Raph always apologized for the bruises.

_ya but now he just hides_

Why couldn't Raph just say what was bothering him? Was it him maybe?

It wasn't like Mikey had done anything out of the ordinary to Raph.

The pranks were little and farely harmless, the insults were the same as ever, and they actually had only had a physical fight a few weeks before all of this began.

So it wasn't him.

Maybe it was Don? He and Raph had been working in the garage lately, maybe something had happened to cause Raph to become the way he is now...

Leo. Maybe Leo had finally made Raph crack. They always fought, yelled, screamed. Maybe Leo finally pushed that little bit to hard.

No.

No, Raph knew Leo too well to crack under the guilt that Leo could deliver.

Raph knew all of them to well to crack from their words or actions.

_Not crack, but he could break._

That was what it was. Raph hadn't cracked, no, he'd broke.

The funny thing about a crack was that it could take weeks, even months to repair just because a crack would still allow the 'machine' to function, just not as well.

While a break, a break was was easier to find. Easier to fix, if you could find it because you didn't have to allow the machine to keep working sluggishly, no, you could remove the broken piece and replace it with a new one.

But Raph wasn't a machine. He couldn't be turned off and repaired that simply, because there was no off switch.

But if they could get Raph to willingly open up to them, and if they could do that, then they could solve all of this.

_So we can go back to normal._

Sighing, Mikey looked up at his contraption.

If this didn't cause Raph to come back to them then he didn't know Raph at all.

" Ya Mike, cuz you know him so well" Mikey said to himself, subconsciously scratching the back of his neck.

None of them really _knew _Raph, he was just the hot headed, temperamental, first into battle, sarcastic, jerk.

Yet they knew little, to nothing more.

_How could we have missed so much of our own brother?_

Mikey knew that Raph loved to fight, rumble with his brothers, challenge authority, throw sarcasm like it was candy, and he fought with all of his passion.

But everyone knew that.

Why didn't he know Raph's favorite pass time? Why didn't he know who Raph idolized? What was Raph's favorite place? What calmed him? what...why...

He didn't know.

He knew nothing about his brother, his hero. He only knew the most common of things.

_When had they grown so far apart?_

Mikey had finished his set up of the prank, and everything was in order. He had cleaned up all of the extras and now it was the final act.

Catching the prey.

This would either be simple or extremely difficult. Raph had the uncanny ability to disappear completely if he wanted to.

One of the many times Raph had done this was when Master Splinter had gotten sick. Raph just left, with no trace of him anywhere.

But that was a tough time for everyone, and Raph just coped better when he was alone. Or so he thought...

What was he going to do if he couldn't get Raph into the dojo at the right time?

This was one of his only shots and if this didn't work...he could lose his brother forever.

Mikey had never wanted something as badly as this before.

He just wanted his brother. The one that didn't cower a way from his touch or gaze, the one that was strong and true, the one that held so much passion that it burned.

And that was it.

That was why the Hamato Family was in such utter chaos.

The fiery passion, that was Raphael was missing, extinguished.

It was time to reignite the flame.

_Hey guys thanx again for the reviews! luv ya! Big chap soon I promise XD_


	9. Chapter 9

Understand 9

Everything was ready.

All he had to do was get Raph in there, and keep Leo and Don out. Getting Raph in there was going to be a lot easier then keeping his other two brothers out.

They were so nosey sometimes.

Leo always questioned his motives when he was being quiet, or if Mikey was asking them for certain things, like 'don't go there, don't touch that, stay out of the lair for the next hour.' Really Leo should trust him more, especially when it comes to Mikey and his pranks. He always had a reason when it came to his demands.

Shifting from one foot to another infront of Don's lab door, Mikey knocked.

No answer.

He knocked again, and again, then a forth time when finally.

"Mikey if thats you go away, I'm very busy and I don't need you distracting me with your whining just because your bored." Don's tone was anything but friendly, he had been under a lot of stress lately.

Part of his stress wasn't just because of his experiments not working or that fact that he hadn't gone to the garage in over a week now, no, it was because he was waiting for Raph to tell him to get the hell out of the lab and sleep.

Raph was the only one capable of getting the genius to stop his work, come out of the lab and sleep, or eat for that matter. So with Raph missing from their lives now Don could freely stay in his lab for days.

"Oh ouch Donny that hurts... but I really need to, ya know, talk to you though, so like open up dude." Mikey said to the closed door in front of him.

He grinned when he heard the 'click' of the lock, telling him he was allowed to come in now.

Swing the door open Mikey was greeted with the sight of Don at his desk, with enough papers and experiments piled on it that anyone else who wold have seen it would have thought Don mad.

" uhhhh, Don what ya doing?" Mikey raised an eye brow, he hadn't seen Don working this much since Leo had left for training a few years back.

_Ya and Raph swooped to the rescue and got them back to normal._

" Just some research on positronic particles, I'm going to be using highly delicate ex-"

"oookay, ya I don't care, anyways ummm I'm going to like need you to stay away from the dojo for the rest of the day." Mikey said, leaning up against the side of the table.

Glaring at his brother for interupting him, Don questioned. " uh huh, amd why would that be?"

" Easy" Mikey said with confidence. " I'm getting our Raphie back, like I told you."

"Mikey your not going to do anything mean are you? I mean his been so-so not Raph like, we dont' want to-"

"ya-ya I know we dont want to push him farther away then he's already making himself, but really Don! trust me, this is gonna work."

Don trusted Mikey's instinct more then he trusted his own. Whenever Mikey was determined enough he was smarter then all of them.

" Mikey"

He waited till his brother looked at him.

"Mikey, just-just be careful" Don said, then gasped when he was attacked by a large bear hug.

" Thanks for like believing in me, Don" Mikey said once he pulled away.

" of course Mikey, now get out of my lab...I'm busy you know." Don smiled as Mikey ran from the lab. Maybe Mikey could figure all this out.

Mikey ran into the living room. No Leo. He tried the kitchen, No Leo. Maybe he had gone to his room?

Mikey jumped up the stairs, two at a time. He had to get Leo to agree to this.

" yo Leo, you in there dude?" Mikey asked.

"yes" came Leo's calm voice.

"well can I come in?"

"Mikey I just want to be alo-"

" I'll be quick, I promise!"

"fine, Mikey come in"

Swiftly entering and closing the door behind him, Mikey stood in front of Leo.

Leo was looking worse then he was a week ago. With Raph not around to knock him down a few pegs, Leo had been training basically no stop.

" wow, dude you don't look that great."

"Mikey what did you want?" Leo asked not to thrilled to be reminded at just how bad he was coping with the absence of Raph from their normal life.

" okay, umm, ya I need you to stay out of the dojo for the rest of the day." Mikey stated bluntly, since Leo didn't seem to be up for chit-chat.

"why?"

" Because I'm bringing our dear ol'Raphie back and if you go into the dojo, it will ruin everything."

"Mikey" Leo said in a warning tone." this better not cause anything to make him-"

"why does everyone keep asking me that! I wont ok? This _will _work, I swear on it...but I need you and Don just stay away from the dojo for the day." Mikey answered in a determined voice.

Leo stared at him for a good two minutes, before Mikey started fidgeting.

"alright"

Leo couldn't help but smile at the happiness that shinned in Mikey's eyes, as he gave Leo a quick hug and thank you before darting out of the room.

_I hope this works._

Mikey scouted out the lair. No Raph, crud.

If Raph was out in the sewers it could be hours until he returned, and by that point Mikey would probably fall asleep.

turning around , and jumping about three feet in the air, Mikey bumped strait into none other but Raphael.

_Score!_

" sorry Mike, didn't mean ta scare ya" Raph said quietly, with his eyes lowered.

" Noooo probs dude! I wasn't looking where I was going anyhow, so ya what are you doing? I thought you went out." Mikey asked, he was positive Raph had left, he hadn't seen him anywhere else in the lair.

" uh, no I jus' went to the garage for a sec' " Raph said lamely, he hadn't really thought up a reason since he hadn't planned on being caught.

" oh...okay" said Mikey, with a smile. " talk later then dude."

"ya sure Mike"

With that Mikey disappeared, and Raph made his way over to the tv for some down time.

When Raph finally settled on a tv show, he began to relax. The lair was peaceful, no fights were happening, he knew everyone was safe and Raph knew everything was finally the way it was supossed to be.

For a while, then the real fun began.

"Mmmmaarcooo!"

Sighing, Raph slumped farther into the couch, trying to concentrate on the tv.

"MARCO!"

Raph was getting irritated, this had been going on for the past _3 hours_. Not stopping for even a few minutes.

" Maaaarrrooo!"

Raph hated this. The little brat was even changing his voice around to make it even worse.

First it was a girly call, then it turned into a child's voice, next it was some demented thing that he couldn't name.

_Why was he doing this!_

" Marco, marco, Maaaarrcooo!"

That's it Raph had, had enough, if Mikey thought he could get away from this then he was mistaken, because no matter how hard Raph had tried there is always a limit on how much he can take. He would still keep control though, he would just tell Mikey to keep it down, that's all.

Getting up from the couch, Raph bee lined it for the dojo since that was where the yelling was coming from.

" Mikey, what are you yell- _ahh!"_

He was lifted by his foot hanging up side down, on some strange contraption, then sent hurtling in the other direction, he was bombarded with dozens of what he guessed to be water balloons and then thrown to the other side of the dojo where he landed in...packing peanuts?

Mikey had watched the whole thing happen from a safe distance away, watching in amazment at how well it all went.

"this is it" Mikey whispered to himself.

Standing up from where Raph had landed on the floor, Raph tried to brush off the static clinging peanuts.

Mikey waited.

Raph's hands clenched at his sides, his visibly brisled, body became stiff, and his eyes flamed.

" Mikey! What tha hell is your problem you little-

_XD just so ya know 'Marco' refers to the game 'Marco, Polo'  
__R&R's are loved! Thanx guys, luv ya! Ruth._


	10. Chapter 10

Understand 10

" Mikey! What tha hell is your problem you little-

Mikey watched in amazement at how mad Raph looked, yet how well he was controlling it.

" you little what, Raphie?...haha aww come on dude that was the best prank ever, you should have seen your face!"

Maybe if Mikey nagged Raph on, he would finally snap.

But Raph just stood there, physically vibrating.

Raph's hands clenched into fists so hard his knuckles were a pale green, compared to his normal emerald green skin. The scowl Raph was aiming at the floor could have sent any man running for their lives, and yet the was no out burst pass what he had said.

" whats a matter _Raphie? _My prank just to awesome?" Mikey coaxed. " but you should have seen it coming I am the prank master...and the Battle Nexus Champion."

He grinned if anything got Raph more angry then a prank it was when Mikey brought up his title of Battle Nexus Champion.

" I'm so done with this, I'm tired of tryin...and I'm tired of of all this shit." Raph said , directed at no one.

By this time Leo and Don had come in after hearing the crash from the prank.

" ya never understand do ya? All ya ever do is judge! why!...Why couldn't ya jus' see I was tryin, huh?" Raph was yelling, emotions running wild.

"Raph, we don't understand maybe if-"

"of course ya don't! Ya neva do understand! ya jus' judge an think me a monster, right? cause all I do is cause arguments and-and fights, I neva let their be peace, huh?" Raph yelled.

He had finally snapped, all of his rage he had been controlling now coming out in one blow.

The wall finally came down, letting the flood of pent up emotion to come crashing down.

" Raph what are you talking about you are no monster!" Leo didn't understand where all of this was coming from.

" Really?" Raph gave a bark of laughter." Cause ya sure knew what you were saying that mornin' at that god damn hour."

The brothers looked to each other, finally realizing the cause of everything. It was the conversation that was never meant to be heard.

" Raph-Raphie we were just venting! we didn't think-" Don was cut off, by an in raged Raphael.

" ya-ya you didn't think I would have heard ya, that blew up in your face huh? Ya know I was trying so hard, and all you did was pick everythin I did apart. Nothing was good enough.

Raph looked his brothers in the eye for the first time he had in weeks. They all wore the same expression.

" You know nothing about me! Don't ya think if I could really change I wouldn't?...what tha hell did ya think I was doin these last few weeks, huh? I was tryin to make up for bein such a screw up in your lives." Raph's eyes scanned the area, looking for an escape.

Leo caught on to what he was doing and blocked his path.

" Raphael, please listen, we-I didn't mean those things! I was just frustrated that was all." Leo said in a pleading voice, trying to get Raph to understand.

" you thought I hated you guys" came Raph's voice that was nothing but a whisper.

"what?" tha brothers asked in union.

"You thought I hated you!, you said I only caused problems for this family!...so-so I tried ta fix it with tha penance, but jus' kept comin back at me!"

" wait, what penance? Raph what are you talking about?" Don had stepped forward, inching his way towards Raph.

" heh, figure you wouldn't have figured it out. Eva wonder where ya got those nice new candles from Leo? How bout you Donnie-boy?...those nice new mother boards and circuits work out?" Raph said, venom seeped from his words.

" And Mikey, how'd ya like that comic? ya found that twenty right? in tha pizza box."

Raph's brothers really had no clue over that past weeks that it was Raph doing all of that for them, they had only occupied themselves with their new gifts, not caring who gave it to them.

" how bout the other things I did for ya? didn't see that either did ya?" Raph barked with laughter, but there was no humor heard from it.

"Raphie,...why did you do all of that? Leo said." if you only thought yourself to be a monster, when if you would have said that to anyone of us we would have told you that you weren't"

Raph thought about his answer, looking up to the roof of the dojo. He wished he was outside. Outside on his roof with his stars, where there was no anger, only peace.

" because, I was trying ta show ya I was worthy for our family." Raph answered. " but I guess I'll neva be good enough for you will I?"

Raph began to leave.

He was tired of trying to be someone that he wasn't. Yes he could control his temper better and he had been doing so, but he couldn't keep going on like he had been for the last few weeks.

It just wasn't him.

Sighing Raph began his trek out of the dojo, when something stopped him, or rather someone.

A set of sea green arms were wrapped around his mid section and his shell.

He stopped, but didn't turn around.

" let go, Mike"

Mikey mumbled something, that Raph couldn't hear.

" what?" Raph snapped.

" I said I thought I had lost you." Mikey said with a sniffle.

" Mike, I didn't go anywhere" Raph pried himself from Mikey's grip and turning to face his brothers again.

" Raph I think what Mikey means is that, that way you've been acting...we thought we had lost the brother we knew."

Raph scoffed, what were they trying to pull?

It was Leo's turn to speak. " Raph you are our passion to this family, and we can't function without your spirit, and I should have known that from the beginning"

Leo placed a hand onto Raph's shoulder, he knew how much Raph hated physical affection, but he would just have to suffer.

" Raph you're the one who gets me to stop and realize I cannot train myself to death, your the one who can get Donny out of the lab, and your the one who gets Mikey to bed when he can't sleep because of nightmares."

Don came to Raphs other side. Looking at Raph as if for the first time.

" Raphie, we love you." came Don's small voice. " your what keeps us together."

Raph stilled.

Something hit him at that moment, he wasn't as much as an outcast as he thought. They needed him to function, as much as he needed them.

They were a team, a family.

Leo was their leader, warden and eldest brother.

Don was the brains, doctor, and logic.

Mikey was their sun, energy and the one to bring a smile to your face.

While Raph...

Raph was their passion. Their drive.

He was their protector, the one they went to with nightmares, the one who came to the rescue, the one who was the fist into action, and who was there no matter what.

Raph smiled, a genuine smile. They needed him.

His brothers were looking at him, as if waiting for him to break, or bolt. Their stances held determination.

But Raph wasn't going to break, bend, or run, no, he had found his passion again and he wasn't about to lose it.

His passion for his family.

Stretching his arms out wide, Raph did something rare. He hugged them, tight and full of everything he wanted to say.

His brothers tensed but didn't pull back, instead they embraced him just as tightly.

" I love ya too" Raph whispered, still holding the embrace.

Pulling back Raph shook loose from the hug,and stepped back. His brothers sharing smiles.

They had their brother back. Everything would go back to normal.

Raph studied his brothers for a moment, who looked at him questioning his gaze, before Raph spoke.

" Whats up with the whole 'Raphie' thing, huh? what are ya three?...I thought I said ta neva call me that" Raph said with a smirk.

Raph laughed at his brothers expressions, who soon joined the laughter, with their joy filling the dojo.

" aww! come on _Raphie! _Ya let me before, and its a cute nickna- ahh!"

Mikey dashed off laughing, with Raph hot on his heels.

" get back here, ya lil' twerp! ...you are _so dead_ when I get ya" Raph said jokingly, as he chased after a very happy Mikey.

Leo and Don both smiled, joing their brother

_They understand now._

_Hey guys! What did ya think? Not to bad of an ending? Anyways R&R what you thought of the last chapter and the fic as a whole!  
You guys were beyond inspiring! Luv ya, Ruth. ( Might start a new story, you guys want one?)_


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